Publisher:  Marilyn Lancelot   

Vol. X  Issue No. 5    May 2008        

       E-mail:     mslancelot@cox.net
  
. . .  scraping the bottom of my purse for pennies.   
 
A few years ago a charming little movie starring Bill Murray was released. The storyline centered around a character having to live one particular day over and over again. Flash forward a few years later and I could have easily been that character. My days had the exact pattern of replication, only this was no movie, it was my life and it was quickly spiraling out of control.

I am not a novice when it comes to gambling addiction. Truth be told I have probably been addicted for fifteen years. In the beginning it was more or less 'recreational ' until of course I won big. The downfall of many gamblers is always that first big win, of course that is also the journey to big loss. For the next ten years or so I teetered between having wads of cash and literally scraping the bottom of my purse for pennies. It never mattered how much I won, even when I was down big time. I would always return the next day, sometimes the same day! Like most compulsive gamblers I would feed the machines until I was broke. My days were a blur of doing the same thing over and over again.
 
Naturally when I was broke I felt as though I might have a little bit of a problem with gambling but my imaginative lies would allow me to beg, borrow or steal more money to chase my losses. The problem was however I could never make up what I had lost...but the bigger problem was my denial that I had a problem. I rationalized constantly, everyone gambles...what's the big deal? I hadn't lost my home...yet. I still had my car...of course I hadn't made an actual payment for a few months but just as soon as I hit it big again I would make it all right once more. Problem was I was living the same pattern, day after day after day.
Before it got better it got worse. I'd had a bad year, my mother passed away and I was dealing with grief and fear. The only way I'd ever learned to handle my problems was to escape them. Hours at a casino spent gambling meant time I didn't have to think...about anything. I then found Internet gambling and that felt really great. I could now spend hours locked into my own little world without even having to get dressed! Naturally I won, a lot. Which meant of course I could really gamble big time. Once the money was gone I could always rationalize why I had the 'right' to spend more. After all, I had a very bad year and besides...everyone gambles. I deserved it! Life was hard!
 
In time I had spent everything. One morning I looked in the mirror and realized I no longer knew who was looking back. I had forgotten what it was I was even trying to escape in the first place. My mother had been gone for five years, the days and hours had passed and the only progress in my life that was measurable was how broke I'd become.
For the first time in my life I knew I had a problem. A very, very big problem. I had lost all self-respect. My husband couldn't trust me, he still loved me but he sure couldn't count on me. The time had come to turn the page, to stop living the same day over and over again. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I do know this...it will be different from today. Whatever happens I will learn to deal with it rather than escaping it.

Eight years ago I went through a serious depression. I became very ill and was convinced I had Multiple Sclerosis. Nobody could convince me otherwise. I spent nights obsessing about how I was going to remodel my home to accommodate my eventual paralysis. I searched high and low for a miracle...I did not find one. Instead I found trouble. I went to a church that promised 'healings' and met a 'preacher'....He ended up counseling me...telling me that God was sending him messages meant just for me....we ended up having a relationship that almost cost me my life. He knew that I was also a gambling addict on top of everything else...he used to take me to the casino all the time, naturally we both gambled on my money. My husband was very busy in his business and rarely noticed if I was home, eventually however I confessed what was happening to me and we worked things out. The preacher moved on to find other sad and confused women.
I am on the road of recovery. It is frightening, worrisome and anxiety producing. It is also liberating, exciting and full of promise. It is never too late. Tomorrow is always just a day away.

Martha, AZ
                                        
    GA MEETING – WHAT IS IT? IT IS A MIRACLE…


Sometimes I sit here in Poland, in front of my computer, and look at the GA International Directory. I see how many meetings there are in America and I noticed there are 68 meetings a week in Arizona alone, and there are 11 different types of meetings.

And I am dreaming. . . one day I will go there and meet Marilyn L., the woman who saved my life. I will spend a whole day going from one meeting to the other. Why? Because being able to attend meetings is a gift. Recovery is a gift. Recovery came to me many years after my first GA meeting in Australia. It came thanks to the internet…

I began gambling in 1990 while I lived in Australia. In 1994 I was told by a friend of mine: "Listen, I think you may have a gambling problem and you should go to a GA meeting.” I couldn’t understand what was he talking about. Me? I knew that something bad was happening to me, but at the same time I was thinking: “Everything in my life is going wrong so I have the right to amuse myself—10 hours a day—every day. So what?” Each time I visited the casino, I saw the same people but I was still thinking: I am the only crazy woman in this world. So what?

I was upset when a friend took me to a GA meeting. I couldn’t understand English very well and I couldn’t understand what was going on at this meeting but I remembered the kind faces of everyone I met. In the room there were nice, caring people, making coffee for me and waiting for about 10 minutes before I was able to say, "I am a gambler".  And…I went to the gambling club right after the meeting.

That was in 1994 and years passed while I continued to gamble. Once I gambled for 72 hours and when I left the club, I collapsed in the parking lot. In 2005 I was in Poland and I become physically sick from gambling. I can’t even describe how emotionally sick I became. My body was sick, my mind and my soul. I didn’t know what to do. My life become a hell. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on so I suffered alone. I was dying day by day. All I knew was —I didn’t want to gamble anymore because it was killing me. I knew nothing about compulsive gambling and impulses.

So, in January 2006 I found a web site on the internet “Official Polish GA site—forum on line”. I was shocked. I sat and read what they had to say and my self esteem was lower then zero. It took me about a week before I registered on to the site. I couldn’t understand what the men were talking about, especially because they were alcoholic-gamblers. And there was an additional problem- their wives commented on everything I wrote. I was asking for GA literature and I learned that there is no literature translated into the Polish language. I was trying to write about my feelings and I was constantly criticized. Everything I wrote was wrong. Polish GA was a conglomerate of religion, doctors therapy and AA ideas. It was everything but GA. I remembered my first GA meeting in Australia and how nice the people were and no one judged anyone else.

But for me that internet forum on line was all I had. My life saving wheel, and because it was called “Official Polish GA website”, I entrusted my life to those people. And then, one cold, winter night March 2006 after I was kicked out of that forum, my computer was banned. I was completely alone at my flat, broke, sick and kicked out of Polish GA. All I could do was cry. I have no idea how I survived. I was totally alone. I wasn’t gambling but it was only abstinence. I was very ill and I didn’t have insurance and no money to go to a doctor. I was too sick to gamble. And most important –I didn’t want to gamble anymore.

I sat in front of the computer, crying and searching the internet and on April 2006 I found a website, “Women Helping Women” (WHW). I emailed Marilyn L. crying for help. I was on the other side of the world and she answered my letter. I finally found another female gambler. I was reading WHW and waiting for Marilyn’s letters and I felt safe because I realized I was not the only woman with a gambling problem and somebody cared about me. It was such a relief.

In May 2006 I started my own forum on line and for two years (till march 2008) I wrote about my gambling life and I translated articles and wrote short stories. But what was most important is that I was recovering from compulsive gambling life a Day at at Time and being watched on-line by thousands of unnamed people visiting my website. It was like a daily meeting and a constant Step 5.

In June 2006 I asked students from the University (UJ) to help with translations and started another website – with translations only from WHW, for every Polish female gambler in the world. I could remember myself and my first meeting and how hard it was when I couldn’t understand English.

(This is part one of a two-part article from Isia in Poland.  It gives a vivid description of her struggles to find recovery without a GA meeting to attend.  She is a courageous lady and I'm proud to call her my friend. Be sure to read the June issue also.)
 

 

Transforming Energy Drains
 (Part II of Ms. Kingsley's article)

STEP ONE

Awareness. The first step is to notice the way you participate in the dynamic. Perhaps you have a habitual thought that always puts you in a tail spin, resulting in stress and exhaustion. An example of this would be, “Life’s too hard – I don’t have any time for myself.” Notice how the thought is solely responsible for the resulting stress. Once aware, you are empowered to replace the thought with a life-enhancing one. For example, “Every breath I take calms and energizes me.”

Perhaps your pattern is that of over-eating or over-spending, not exercising or falling into binge drinking or gambling when your energy is low and you feel in need of some “spirit.” All of these have an immediate payoff or we wouldn’t do them. Find out what the payoff is for you. Perhaps the self-defeating behavior pulls instant energy into your body, only to later deflate you even further. Or perhaps when you need grounding, you look to food rather than a walk in nature. Whatever the payoff is, find it so that you can meet your need in a healthy way. Finally, vow to exercise your will and delay or eliminate these unconscious attempts to capture energy. If necessary, take baby steps. Each time you successfully exercise your will, you increase your personal power and self esteem. That is why “One day at a time” is so powerful – personal will is only exerted in the present moment. Later doesn’t cut it.

STEP TWO

Tolerate the tension. True transformation cannot occur without the alchemic property of fire. This hot energy feels like tension in the body and causes us to crave certain behaviors or substances to alleviate the discomfort. Not giving into the cravings, but simply sitting in the tension is transformative. There is no way around transformation – one can only go through the fire.

STEP THREE

Enjoy your newfound inner freedom. Whenever we burn through even a small piece of a draining pattern, life energy is able to flow more freely through the body. This is the true meaning of free spirit – not doing whatever we want when we want to – but refining ourselves to the point that spirit can flow abundantly and freely.

Jenny was finally ready to tackle this last big energy drain. She decided that whenever her mother started with the guilt, she would end the phone call lovingly but firmly. Like clockwork, about ten minutes into their next conversation, Jenny’s mother began talking about how little time they spend together. Jenny took a deep breath and said, “Mom, I love you but I can’t do this anymore – I am doing what feels right for me and whenever you try to manipulate me with guilt I’m going to get off the phone.”

When Jenny hung up the phone she shed a few tears. She felt like she was being mean to her mother. Deep down however, she knew she was doing the right thing for both of them. Jenny had to end a few more phone calls, but now she and her mother have a healthier relationship than ever, and Jenny is able to more fully enjoy the life she has created for herself.

Kimberly Kingsley is an Energy Coach and author of Opening to Life: Reconnecting to Your Internal Source of Energy, Wisdom and Joy, and the forthcoming book, The Energy Cure: How to Recharge Your Life 30 Seconds at a Time (Career Press/New Page Books, January 2007). www.kimberlykingsley.com

 
 
 
. . . are we depressed because we gamble, or gamble because we are depressed?
 
 
Hi to all on the network who continue to inspire me—that means you! It's been a real test for me to not escape during these trying times. But I'm thinking it's bound to happen. Gosh it's like we would like to be in the Bahamas when it's cold.. a place which we enjoyed and could relax. I know the casino won't provide this vacation from reality.. in the end, we are hit hard with the real world. And for some, once we do gamble, what the heck.. screwed up might as well just go all the way.

I guess I have seen the other side.. the life without the lies (ok, most of them) where I can have choices. Sitting or begging while gambling.. is that all there is to life? I don't think I was created to be a slot machine feeder, but often I feel that's easier than facing all the stuff I wanted to forget. How's that for irony?

Some days are worse than others.. it helps if I look at these factors which trigger my gambling. Depression is often present. An article on WHW website asked the question: are we depressed because we gamble, or gamble because we are depressed? In my mind, it doesn't matter how depression gets thrown into the mix, it's just there. It helps me to just express and share those feelings. Gambling was just one vehicle I used, to ignore my feelings.

Lately several old wounds have reopened... for the past few weeks I've been just hiding out at home.. until I have to jump into the hornet's nest. Do you ever experience conflict with what you want to do, but the group has lots of thorns in your side?

My normal nature is not to ignore, but usually confront. So I'm praying for strength to just do the right thing, and try not to hurl too many people out of the window. See I'm getting better already...smiles.

My prayers are for all of you, whatever you face. And I celebrate the days we don't gamble and pray we find peace in this crazy world.
 
Hugs, Mary S.
 

Gripped by Gambling.  
If you have not read or seen my book, you may click on:  www.grippedbygambling.com and take a peek at the  information inside the cover.  The web-site contains a list events I've experienced which qualify me to write such a book, an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life, and several reviews sent to me by readers. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com. by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. 
Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

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