. . . put it all back, trying to recreate the moment

 

(If you need a yardstick to measure the progression of the gambling addiction, here is the best description I've ever read. This is the first of a two-part article submitted by a 26 year old gal from the east coast, describing the rapid descent into compulsive gambling.)

I finished your book and really enjoyed it - you sound like a survivor. I could relate with so much of the story - not thinking it was a problem while gambling, having to just tough it out during so much of life and eventually find 'the perfect' addiction for people who've just had to be strong all along. Every casino is just FULL of women. My first experience with a slot machine was at age 12 - I snuck out of our Vegas hotel room to play, won ten dollars, and ran back up to my room. I was terrified that I'd win a big jackpot and they'd check my ID. At 12, I could pass as an adult, but barely. And even then, I assumed I would win more vs. losing my bucket of quarters.

I started gambling compulsively a year and a half ago. I was desperately in love and without explanation, my partner left me. My cousin and I were visiting our family in Vegas, and instead of just sitting in the casino, where our grandparents preferred to spend quality time with us, my cousin and I decided to just play this time and enjoy the free drinks. We knew it was wrong, but had a dedicated what the hell attitude. And it was fun, too much fun. Gambling gave me an escape from my feelings of shame and worthlessness from the breakup, as well as a reprieve from awkward family dynamics. I lost several hundred dollars that weekend and didn't care. When I came home, I immediately looked up casinos in the area and found several within a couple hours drive.

I started going to the local casinos four or five nights a week. My escape and refuge continued. I rarely won anything but when I won between $200-$600, I'd put it all back trying to recreate the moment. And then take out a cash advance. . . and then another cash advance.

As the habit progressed, I opened new credit cards, did unmentionable things with my work (not exactly theft, but definite law and dignity breaking), and went berserk. My allegiance switched from machine to machine, but I was always obsessed with one at a specific time: Cleopatra, Tiki Torch, Double Triple Diamond Deluxe with Cheese, Carnival of Mystery, and Jade Monkey. I dreamt of slots nearly every night; the images repeating themselves over and over again, obviously seared into my brain.

My work suffered, I gained 30 lbs and I didn't care. I had plenty of credit after all. HAD being the operative here. I had car problems and was without a working vehicle for several weeks. Instead of dealing with the mechanical issues, I donated the car to charity, bought a new one (getting a whopping 10.9% interest rate. Today I doubt I could even BUY a new car), and the very first night with wheels, drove myself to the casino. I was single, no one cared about me, no one knew where I was, and that's exactly how I wanted it. Gambling reinforced my absolute aloneness in the world.

I tried to quit. I drugged and drank myself to the point where I couldn't drive-tethered myself to my home. I started dating again, and with the season change, a steady sex life, and a sense of shame, I thought I was done with it all and wiped my hands. I chalked it off to a bad period, and coping with my depression and that sure was an expensive breakup!  I began a strenuous form of yoga and tried to focus on myself.

I met someone new and realized he was emotionally disturbed. However, I viewed him as a 'would accept and love me no matter what' in the beginning, and the opposite of the man I'd loved with the breakup that started my gambling.

The new man reached out to me many times while drunk, in the infancy of our dating.  I stayed anyway, knowing that while that addiction was disgusting and all too familiar to me, I knew what to expect. I also knew that he'd feel obligated to be good to me in periods of sobriety. He would hurt me, but he would never hurt me.
 

Anonymous lady from the East Coast.

 

         Gripped by Gambling

 

What would you think if you saw seven police cars come and take your grandmother away in handcuffs? If you have not read or seen my book, you may click on:  www.grippedbygambling.com and take a peek at the  information inside the cover.  The web-site contains a list of events I've experienced which qualify me to write such a book, an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life, and several reviews sent to me by readers. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com. by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. 

 

Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

                           

 

 . . .wondering if they would ever return to get us.

My story is probably not unique but I believe I was born to be a compulsive gambler. Both of my parents are compulsive gamblers. When I was growing up they’d take my little brother and I on vacations every year to visit family, and also to the horse track, dog track, bingo halls and even Las Vegas. I thought that was really fun going on vacation to Kentucky, Atlantic City, New Jersey, Florida and Boston and everywhere we went, gambling was part of our vacation. I remember sitting with my little brother at Circus Circus under the big top watching the circus for hours which felt like forever, wondering what was taking my parents so long and if they would ever return to get us. I even remember picking numbers for my parents at the horse and dog tracks. It all seemed so exciting. They took us to the Kentucky Downs, Arlington Racetrack, I can’t remember all of them. I was married over 23 years of my adult life to three different alcoholic husbands. I started gambling to escape the alcoholism. I also started gambling to escape life and myself. Gambling became my only coping mechanism.

Gambling was my love, my hate, my passion, my disappointment, my joy, my sadness and eventually my destruction. Four years ago, after I had won $20,000, I claimed Bankruptcy and even attempted suicide. I started going to Gambler’s Anonymous (GA) at that time, but felt I just couldn’t give up my best friend, gambling, even though I knew in my heart, it was destroying me. After several more years of suffering and misery due to gambling I attempted a second near-suicide and that’s when I decided it was time to go back to GA. This time I’m taking the program seriously. GA has made all the difference in my life. I am becoming a better person and learning how to live life on life’s terms. I’ve learned to take one day at a time and sometimes just a moment at a time. I’ve learned to be humble, to forgive as well as what being grateful is all about.

The giant rock, which was my bottom, became the building block to my salvation. I love GA and the fact that my higher power, which is God, and the GA group, have saved my life and shown me a better way to live. Some people crawl through the doors, others were led by family or friends who had had enough. This last time one of my friends from GA who I had previously met in the program held my hand and brought me back through the doors. GA is the medicine I need to stay clean. I know this is not a curable illness but can be arrested one day at a time. When it says in the yellow combo book that “Meetings make it”, that is the real truth. If it weren’t for my Higher Power, the love of the GA family group and my willingness and determination to make it and stay clean, I know my life would be over. The answer is that GA is God’s Answer for me. Thank you GA family for all the love you’ve shown me. I know now that I’ll never be alone again!

Cindy from Milwaukee
 

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